If your relationship no longer dances, come on, take dance lessons
As a relationship therapist, I often come across this familiar scenario: a couple caught up in repetitive fighting patterns. Every argument follows the same predictable path. What starts as a seemingly insignificant incident quickly escalates into accusations ("you never" or "you always"). One attacks or blames, the other fights back, goes on the defense, or worse, withdraws and becomes unreachable. I see how slamming a door shut literally means shutting your partner out figuratively. To those who remember what an LP is: over time, these fights become like a groove on a record, where the needle keeps getting stuck.
The big question
If you experience this for a long time, you'll start wrestling with the big question: break up or stay together? When a couple seeks my help, we embark on a journey to find that answer together. I begin by asking questions. How did you meet? What made you fall in love? It's the answers to those questions that help lift the needle from the groove and bring them back to a positive perspective.
Besides couples with their stuck fighting record, I also see couples who have slowly drifted apart. Their lives have changed over time. They both work, have children, engage in sports, and have various social activities. In short, they're busy, busy, busy. In the midst of all this busyness, there's time for everything except the relationship. Minor annoyances are not discussed but suppressed. They don't fight because they don't have time for it.
Slow conversations
My response to such a situation is always the same: having time for each other doesn't just happen; you have to make time for each other. It means having slow conversations with each other. Slow conversations, for me, are those where you truly listen to one another. Real listening means turning off your phone, focusing on each other as partners, and not bringing in topics about the kids or work. In slow conversations, "Oh, dear, it's the weekend tomorrow" is not an answer to the distress call of "I'm so busy." That's not listening. Sometimes a sincere "I'm sorry to hear that, can I do something to help?" is enough to connect.
Dance and enjoy
Let's go back to the LP analogy: a relationship needs music. Music represents connection and togetherness. Music makes your relationship swing, and you can dance to it. Years ago, I passed by a café where tango music was playing. The music was delightful, and I peeked inside. The dancing was so fantastic that I hesitated to go in. I debated my decision for two whole blocks before giving in to temptation and going back. The dance instructor noticed my hesitant entrance. Afterwards, he said, "In tango, it's an honor for a man to feel his dance partner so well that she dances her best tango. Dance and enjoy." I danced as if I had been tangoing for years.
I still consider that a beautiful lesson. In a relationship too, it's about sensing each other, listening, and daring to respond. Seeing and hearing each other with compassion and passion. That's how it should be in a relationship; it ensures the needle doesn't get stuck in the same groove. If that's missing in your relationship, what's stopping you from bringing it back?
