From repressing to expressing…
“Ben, your mess everywhere is driving me crazy. When I get home from work, I can start tidying up here. Damn.' There's a good chance that Ben will answer along the lines of: 'how dare you say that, I do the shopping every week, the bin bags, the garden, the administration and now you're making a fuss over something small?'
Oops. Here a pleasant evening is ruined because after this anger reigns in the form of silence or further arguing. Do that more often and you run the risk that doubts about the relationship will eventually set in.
These types of confrontations seem inevitable, but they are not. Let's see how it can be done differently. First of all, you can switch from reproaches to expressing a desire: 'Ben, I don't get much rest when I come home and there are things from you lying around the living room. You would help me a lot if you cleaned this up before I got home. Or just hang your coat on the coat rack. Is that possible? Oh, that would make me so happy.”
Do you feel the difference? With the second approach, Ben doesn't need any defence. You tell him what you want and what it would bring to you and Ben. Telling the other person - with negative emotion - that he or she really needs to change always causes resistance. You end up in what is called an 'autonomy battle'. People want to make their own decisions, but if this is compromised, resistance will follow.
In the “you are so annoying”-situation you also miss the opportunity to take advantage of the fact that a person usually is willing to help someone else. You can better achieve this willingness with the following tips:
- Say clearly what the effect of behaviour or a situation is on your feelings and what you want.
- Difficult but important: Avoid anger and irritation.
- Avoid diagnoses (that's because you were always the favorite at home).
- Don't turn an incident into a series (your junk is always and everywhere).
- Say what the benefit is: if you make the effort for me, I will experience less stress and I can stay more pleasant.
The big result of these tips is that you offer connection instead of confrontation. Because you create the space and opportunity for the other person to understand your question. And finally: express your appreciation if your question is followed up.
It will help if we look together at how you can incorporate my communication tips into your relationship. Contact me.
